Tag Archives: Jessica Simpson

Dedicated to My YouTube Pleasure

So, Emma and I have been chatting all night about her “love/sex”-capades and then I was joking after a question and said that I couldn’t explain it better and ended that sentence with some really bad Jessica Simpson video. Then it led to another, and then the awesomely bad, but fucking amaze-tastic crazy video where she’s crying, cutting her hair with cuticle scissors…let me say that again, cutting her hair with cuticle scissors, and then rubbing on makeup like she’s a whore and hates herself. Terrific. Oh Jessica, the wide and weird career moves you’ve made. Anyway, can I please talk about the lovely late-90s fashion that appears in the second video we watched?

90s fashion has been coming back and coming back with a vengeance and it really hurts me. From velvet to silhouettes and even blatant rip-offs from the past, it is coming. Jessica’s “I Wanna Love You Forever” displays all of the 90s bad fashion in all of its glory.

1) Overalls. Yes, denim overalls. I even had a pair at some point and I have been trying to forget ever since. They are a crime among men and do nothing. Hello Blossom, is that you? Why, why, why? You just know she always paired them with those pigtails and probably a bad red bandanna.

2) Oh the shoes, oh sweet balls. Are those white, open-toed mules? So much disgust with that right there. Oh no, then she wears those terrible platformed, white tennis shoes. They’re probably from the works of that evil Sketchers. Damn you for bringing out such hideous shoes. You damn, dirty apes.

3) Denim jackets. I don’t really have too much of a problem, just the wash of it. I never liked denim jackets and this doesn’t do them any justices.

4) The bare midriff. Need I say more?

5) Leather pants, and not even nice ones. Don’t worry, girl continued to wear these gems straight into the 2000s. Girl is relentless.

Now I leave you all with this touching, moving music video. Bahaha, right…

Jessica Simpson – Marie Claire

So Jessica Simpson is still trying to do something with the “career” she has left. She has a TV show that isn’t doing too well, but hey, she’s trying. Gone are the days she was with Mr. Lachey, but maybe they should rekindle to fix both of their careers. They can star in the Newlyweds: Part Two. We’re Getting Back Together to Try to Get Back Our Careers and This Time We’re Figuring Out If It Is Chicken or Fish: In 3-D or something like that. I mean seriously, after Romo-Gate and all of the fans hated on her, there’s no going back easily.

Where was I? Oh yeah, she’s on May’s Marie Claire without makeup, retouching, or even regrets. Well, she obviously doesn’t regret the eyeliner she is wearing on the cover and maybe a dab here and there of makeup or she wouldn’t have done it now would she. Lies. Anyway, bitch is still flawless here and I prefer these over ANY and ALL editorials she has ever done. I mean, I remember when she landed Harpers Bazaar…I’ve been trying to forget that shiteous cover. Ucky.

What I’m trying to say is, find your talent girl. Find your freedom in the music, find your Jesus, find your Kubrik, so on and so forth. Your vocal ability has diminished and let’s not even mention that “acting” thing you tried a few times. I don’t know where else this leaves you besides on the reality circuit, but then you’re not doing well there anymore. Just give up and just be Ken Paves friend for a living. He has nothing better going for him either.