I Know Who Jailed Me (2010 Edition)

Dear Lindsay Lo’,

Get in loser, you’re going to jail. We kid, but get used to these plays on your movies and quotes from them. Oh dear, dear Lindsay. The judge slapped you with 90 days in jail and then in rehab immediately after. This stems from 2007 and you have until the 20th to turn yourself in, so why not make the jail your runway as soon as possible? It will be just your luck that you only have to serve less than three weeks and I’d say your chances are fairly high. You might still be the laughing-stock of Hollywood, but don’t let that get to you, girl. You’re still the fabulous firecrotch deep down somewhere in that red bull-laden heart of yours. I will feel lost without your pant-less gallivanting across L.A. and you might feel slightly parent-trapped with your “father” going to the media immediately and begging that you don’t go to jail. Daughter to father, daughter to father, I’d think she would even say that you aren’t helping her case.

Your courtroom tears might have been sincere, but your lovely nails probably insist them to be your confessions of a drama queen. Remember, though, if you truly have a problem, you’ll probably rebound. Remember Robert Downey, Jr. and his substance abuse, even Drew Barrymore went to rehab for substance abuse at the age of 13 and again at 14 after a suicide attempt. You will most likely bounce back. Who knew bald, Hulk-Britney manned with an umbrella would win the hearts of fans worldwide again? I support your past, present, and current endeavors always, Lindsay.

Once you are done with this whole ordeal, I suggest a bra, some pants, and a good dye-job to bring some life back into your talent.

Love,

Zach

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